Dear Lord Jesus:

Thank you that ive gotten 7A1s and 3A2s.

Thank you that my Combined humans and bio and chem were better den expected.

Thank you that my L1R5 is within Hc's application cutoff.

Thank you that i only got 7 and not 8 and above A1s, or else i mite be arrogant to claim credit for myself.

Thank you that i came to realise thru my english that getting A1 isnt something to be taken for granted, and my A2 is purely your grace.

Thank you that i have smthg to work towards to, to improve based on my grades.

thank you that i taste the bitterness of disappointment for once.

Thank you that it happened to me, and not hoonie or shups cos i dont know how they'll take it.

Thank you for your reminder that you're still in control no matter what.

Thank you for showing me how everyone's so concerned, and im touched. Thanks for dezhang, liangfa, huey, edna, jo, eunice, alvin, shuuy, chryz, nehz, ella, smife, hoonie, peipei, jade, jan, naga, jem, jingren, yayan, weiying, joox, PJ, terence, Yanting, waiyin, xiaoling, junwei and really so many more peeps.

Thank you Lord. its not so bad after all.

Love, shaoning

xinhui left.
there's nothing to say.

jan cried yesterday.
flustered frustrations describing themselves in brine and fluidity.
so in de end we din go for cross.
went to her house and accompanied her that made her feel better.
wanna thank the ice cream man for stocking up corn flavour that she loved

everything's gonna be alright, rockabye.

its just a myth ive gotta rise above.
and i dont know how to talk to you, simply.
because giggling over the colour of nail polish isnt what im cut out to be.
if there is such a thing. as over-girlishness, you're my benchmark.

watch out, she said; not such a simple girl..
i believe you now.
we're walking on thin ice, now. the most precarious relationship you've created.

cant begin to describe how things are.
jooxiang kept the peace in class and now that he's gone the cracks are showing.
no jan, not bit by bit. we're falling apart in chunks...

your anger at the exclusive smug and cant be bothered. morphine, cocaine anything. give me something to dull the meshwork of prickly feelings that drain us so.
others get into cliques but we kinda of just disperse?
thats why i said there are reasons that compel me to stay, and to go.
but ella, its the same everywhere no matter the rafflesian or squarebook culture.

i felt so strange today during GP.
when we were answering the qns on the Bush admin, i kept wanting to qn the 'correctness' of the standard ans given, to point out that the writing is on the wall is a biblical allusion, metaphor of ominous future and foreshadowing and that it reminds me so much of the lit that i have sorely missed. choo's influence has taken deep roots in my processes of thought that i question so much abt so many.
and now the qn surfaced yet again in my mirror that my reflection asks me; just how much am i willing to sacrifice for it. and the truth is the answer always changes each time.

everything would have been so simple if we've taken our results today.
my bleeding is prolonged another 3 days, and i cant wait to get out of this place.
all those knives in my back may just prove too much for 2 years.
ive grown to loathe our daily inane meaningless small talk.
i know you, yet i dont. hello, stranger. where did you come from to stirred up six feet deep of murkiness for us?

and i was just thinking of the loooonnnng list of movies i wanna watch (past and present):
- Boys Dont Cry
- Goodfellas
- Fightclub
- Flashdance
- Casablanca
- cider house rules
- Dead Poets' Society
- Girl Interrupted
- i am sam
- Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
- Rabbit Proof Fence
- Hotel Rwanda
- Constantine ( subtitles please)
- Closer
- sideways

evan's gone.
jooxiang left today too...
jan and i skipped half of art to send him off.
airport was filled with his entourage... hurhur.
gave him de piggy.
i hope he'll rmber us when he looks at it...

the words i never got to say:
jooxiang everytime i go beauty world for pool i'll miss you
everytime i pon a lecture i'll miss you
everytime i play bingo during lectures that i dont pon i'll miss you
everytime i hear jingren say ge pi i'll miss you
and when they all come together when i see de cow i think i'll cry

i just hope that you'll stay who you are, you dont have to answer up to anyone but you.





its xinhui next.
oh no i think im really going to cry so bad on sunday evening...

haha. im in tennis for PE electives.
yay!!! im elated.
haha.
ALVIN! must lend me your racquet!
you know, de one i always use cos its so light. plsplspls.
thanks!
hehe.
maybe terence will be nice enough to coach me on tennis!
after he's done with laughing at my non-existent skills of cos.
hiaks.
yay! im happy. :D

no, i dont hate you.
i'll just get used to it i think.
but you dont have to go outta your way to make things difficult for me, for us. do you?

have you ever heard a song for de first time and it makes you cry?
jay chou does that to me.
( no eunice GO AWAY) hahahaha.
well...
being random arnd here.
cos i dont want to start to think.
to restrict my mesh of thoughts and feelings abt today
to the use of words.
sometimes, words are just insufficient.

aniwae. O's are out this week.
hurhur.

I.AM.SO.FREAKING.PISSED.

ok, today we went for jts.
its pretty ok, wenjun's house is awesomely big.
and we had fun... yea.

wad pissed me off was my mom.
last nite after i told her she came screaming at me,
saying that i am not allowed to go.
like hello, its JTS.
and my dad allowed me to go (<33333333)
and den he ended up arguing with her de whole night cos he allowed me to go.
i so LOVE my dad.

and den. today.
we were at pizza hut so late ( all the guys fault wanting to play PS)
so we reached at 7 plus.
food came at like... 15 min to 8 la.
den we ate...
i was supposed to be home by 8 ( yes tell me how screwed i was)
den so i turned off my fone.
i reached home at 9.45pm.
and my mom slapped me de moment i stepped into de house.
said i din turn on my fone, and was late.
she screamed and said i shouldve called to say i need an extension.
i told her tt if i had called, i would have been screamed at, instead of getting wad bullshit extension time.
i told her tt she's only saying this cos i was already late.
she was screaming at me again when my dad cut in and said " she's right you know. its a fact... you'll have screamed at her if she called back"
he said " she bothered leaving earlier than all the rest, and this is the kinda treatment she gets? den wads de point, in future she's just gonna stay out even later since she's already late!"
he said ( to me) : " next time just rmber to call home ok? at least let me know..."
and my mom was in a fury.
she was arguing with my dad when i was bathing.

i so LOVE my dad. <3333333333333333333333333

we're so screwed for jts... and this is all your fault.
all of the Yous in my class...
jan and i spent so much time planning.
and it boils down to nothing.
nothing at all cos " oh we dont want to run arnd!"
"oh, go wenjun's house is better/ good enough!"
then NEXT TIME DONT ASK ME TO.
and why was i even stupid enough to bother?
when all arnd pple are only saying " you planning? its gonna be such a flop den..."
well, THANKS A LOT.
why dont YOU come and try?
id like to see you screw up then.

aniwae.
im wading neckhigh in work.
there's econs proj, maths 2 tut, chem 2 tut, econs essay prep...
its killing me.
i dont understand why do you want such an elaborately sophisticated albeit effecient system that stifles us and then turn the tables arnd and demand for deep thinking.
damn it.
i need to finish all of the above by MONDAY.

and dramafeste was great(?)... i think.
but julian totally suck.
i was sooo pissed at him for calling naifen.
damn it man, he sucks.
cant he pick on someone else?
rawrs.
i think julian suck more than terence.
cos i know terence better than him?
or rather i know enough to make that judgement.
if naifen reacts or smthg, julian will be SOOOOO sorry.

ETD: [ we've smoothed out everything. so dont come asking anymore. ]

i feel that im becoming very withdrawn.
somewhat even anti- social...
i dont know really what to say anymore...
hurhur. this is our pessimism xinhui!
must get out of this cycle...
before i actually BECOME kingshaw.
hiaks.

i dont wanna be anyone else but me.
so the song goes...
and its kinda surprising how hard that is sometimes....

God is gracious.

friday, saturday, sunday's coming!
rawrs.
friday ive got dramafeste in sch.
gonna stay back and watch i think...
sat ive got choir.
AND art trip.
sunday ive got jts...
pls oh Lord i pray i can go...

ignorance is bliss...
how true indeed.
sometimes i wish i wasnt smart and dont ahve the ability to think so much.
or so often...

its quite sad really,
when you say that we nanyang pple have become very bimbotic.

i love the night.
swirling mirthless darkness that threatens to engulf.
twinkling secrets suspended from ropes in skies.
the crisp, sharp, notsofresh drifts that bring traces of burnt foliage.
it consumes like a black hole.
sometimes i feel as if i could just disappear into it
my claustrophobia of empty space.

sigh.
goodbye evan...
you've been a bright orange scribble in my life.
thank you for all your craziness, all your sincere warmth and friendliness.
s62 loves you.

and im currently dying for econs.
my class is pretty stagnant now i guess...
nothing much leh.
sianness.

and im dying also cos binamma, yoru and sunset must be memorised by choir prac tml.
which i HAVENT done... :X

btw on sunday choir went back to sing!
for old foggies in the alumni. hahahaha.
yes. and i was so amused (and annoyed) that seb the j1 wore the same tee as i.
and kept getting niaoed... but its ok.
he's a nice guy lol.
i love choir!
binamma is hard but we have so much fun doing the moves and all!
hahaha.
siewwoon is funky! and song ern sucks lol.
and felyna is just so... unique. :D
shaoning loves HC choir!!!
PS. the old pple gave us 140 bucks angbaos. :D

WOOTS!
Happy Valentine's Day everyone!!
haha. im very happy cos i got so many things... <33
firstly, ALVIN!!!!
ahahaha. my angel Alvin Chia Jian Wei gave me a nice coolio billabong wallet!
from the wallet shop tt cost him 30+.
hahaha. so nice rites.
well, i got him a S&K shirt and a BIG box of kitkat
(xuan there's ALOT of chocs inside you know.. )

den.. seb says he'll give me tml.
today he too busy with council stuff...
i got him a giordano Tee and swiss chocs.

i got our class tealight holders!
both junior and senior class...
and got the choir lollies. :)

hmmm. i got a nice star balloon from my choir angel, and a box of hershey's kisses!
got sweets and chocs from : Hoonie <3, huifen, clara, ethel, sirui
levina baked cookies for me, and i got nice sweeeeet card from the guys in class.
yay! im happy!
and jooxiang gave me a moomoo! :D:D
yay! i love v-day and the atmosphere man.. it rocked!

I don't need to be anything other than a prison guard's son.
I don't need to be anything other than a specialist's son.
I don't have to be anyone other than a birth of two souls in one.
Part of where I'm going is knowing where I'm coming from.

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately.
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind.
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do,
Or who I'm supposed to be.
I don't want to be anything other than me

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn.
I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn.
I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn.
Am I the only one to notice?
I can't be the only one who's learned...

im glad i went out wif xuan today... :)
its been really fun going arnd shopping and buying stuff with you!
just sad tt we din catch Constantine... :S
ahaha.
but yea. you have gd taste!
hahah. i like the s&k shirt alot!
lol. i hope my angel and mortal like wad ive gotten...
:D
and uh.
im dying for math.
really, i dont understand anything...
sigh. my hmwk pile is horrendous. :X
someone help me!!!!! ... do my work for me? ahahahhaa.
i wish.
rawrrrrs.
i shall go slp and hope in my naivety that everything will be alrite tml.

i cant begin to tell you how much i envy you for your flair in english.
the ability to argue with coherence.
and how your essays just come out right,
with all the topic sentences, elaborations and evidence.
when everything just seems to fall into place.
whereas mine is always rambling and messed up.
when my thoughts overflow and mingle with each other.

sometimes i feel that im a let down.
cos i dont do anything right.
my GP writing skills are non-existent, my math is totally screwed up ( ask xinhui for proof), my chem is totally dependant on my tutor and my art is nothing exceptional.
i hate being so commonplace.
i wish i was different? sometimes...
instead of being just this smudgy blur in life.
i wish i AM good at something, and i wish i knew what it was.
something positive at least...

and i always struggle so much to actually come to terms with myself and my abilities (or lack thereof).
i dont know how i am to figure math out, or to do something even as simple and basic as to WRITE WELL.
that's something i want really badly actually.
and it stings my eyes everytime i see the lousy grade on my paper when its returned...
i dont know why i cant do it.

or maybe, i just havent been trying hard enough...?

well.
am glad that ive gotten to know julian and terence better.
quite a bit better.
been talking to julian alot the last 3-4 days.
since friday i think.
den STJ also.
den monday and today alot more.
ahahha. he's nice la.
but likes to bully meeeeeee.

terence is cute!
not in THAT sense, but personality-wise?
ya... hahaha.
he's always chewing gum, very x10 pro at tennis.
den, quite guai also?
hmmmm. and he loves his sony cybershot cam.
and he likes to shoot me! im honoured....
hahaha. as if.
and he taught me math! or rather i was amused cos he drew it out on the Paint function and sent it over. lol.

aniwae.
my seniors corrupted me with kbox today.
SHHHHHHHHHHHH.
ahahhaha.
Jason, Alvin, Eugene (jae) and julian song2yong3 me to go.
so i went.
with yuzhong, jam, jingren, naga, yayan and weiying. oh and terence.
3 girls, 10 guys. so unbalanced... hurhur.
but aniwae we had fun!!!!
and they all said i sing FIR songs very well... *grin* ahhaha.
thankews all... kbox was fun (but ex) hahaha.
yay i had fun. :)
Happy CNY to all!

yay!!!
STJ was REALLY x10 fun!!!!
hahaha.
thanks to beekee, jingmin, richard and ivan and albert!
lol.
amazing race was enjoyable!
we started off from jingmin's house in our groups!
my group had jingren, eugene, yuzhong.
cos yanting and kaiying din come.
our first task was Broken Telephone...
had to pass msg from 1st to last person, den get our clues and start.

den went off to Malcom park :)
and fed the mosquitoes.
AND played the kissing game hahaha.
basically, we have to kiss one member on de cheek.
and he/she is blindfolded.
and must devise a way of knowing who kissed you cos you cant talk.
hahaha. i was unsuccessful, den eugene managed lol.
nothing obscene thoh, i assure you. :P

next stop was fort canning!
im sure all of us ran EVERYWHERE looking for Richard telling us to look for Ivan who would tell us to look for Richard who tells us to solve clues... hiakhiak.
den we sang a song and threw stones (almost at Richard for making us run!)
but de upside was that eugene bought us all ice cream!

and we went to Ngee Ann City!
had roadblock, and verified that there were 5 sinks and 10 cubicles in crowded female toilets in B1 of Wisma. practise math!
ahaha. so bo liao la!
then we did either Love or Lust to unsuspecting victims along the road...
perform to them to AA (lust), or get them to hug/kiss you. :P (love)

fifth stop was given a L.A.M.E. clue. hahaha.
protection fees anyone?
and we went House of Condom.
sought out Ivan and Richard.
eating macs ahhaha.
den had to get pple to buy us condoms (ewwwwww. like wad?!)
and one person had to get 5 pple to tell him (or her but him's generic) that he's sexy!
:D:D:D
eugene passed very fast!
apparently jason had A LITTLE trouble.... haha.
i dunno abt other groups.

last stop was at Botanic Gardens!
hahaha. supposed to meet Beekee and Jingmin at Eco-lake.
den tried to catch roller-coasters with gelled hands.
yummy! ahhaha.
we were smart la so our team came in first!
(from the 2nd last at Malcom park to de 1st!!! great achievement man)

den we went back to Jingmin's house!
had buffet dinner and everyone did diff stuff after dat!
hahah. yeps.
so that was really fun! esp the running arnd lol.
:) :)
got to know eugene lots better! ahhahaha.
thanks to all who gave me help! ahhaha.
esp eric and huey!!! <333

but one thing irritated me.
i was irritated that all jason cared abt was ____'s presence.
all that "you don go i don go" crap.
like hello, s62 isnt made up of 25 (insert name here).
there's something called INTERACTING with others.
and i was so irritated he din show up.
until halfway at orchard, and guess who he came with?
______ and clara.
2 very very TEH and anti social pple.
well i hope you guys ENJOYED your 3 pple clique.
i cant stand how TEH they are, trying to attract guys attention.
and all the guys being freaking mesmerised by their girlishness.

im sorry but im not cut out to be like that.
go for your common typical recreation if you want, they embrace the limelight
so go, and leave me with some sanity
at least i stay true to my conscience and character.

and this is why im always so upset and regretful and nostalgice and eaten up inside just thinking about the geppers of fourfifteen.

debate sucked.
skipped math lect cos couldn't finish clearing up for art.
and also cos i havent had lunch at that time adn was very hungry.
watched joo xiang and de rest of the ponners play flooozeball.
they thrashed our seniors.
but shih yang thrashed them.
haha.
sigh... im trying so hard to avoid feeling jaded.

im in for debate.
sucky.
and we stayed till like, 7.30 in sch la!
supposed to plan but end up not doing much hahaha.
listen to jason talk rubbish.
den after dat,
richard, eugene, alvin, seb joined us.
den talked some rubbish.
hahaha.
HUIFEN THE FISHBALL!!!!
lol. we all laughed like crazy.
den HF went home.
and i dont see what's wrong with me being the only girl arnd?
its just eating dinner with my seniors.
but aniwae... they went to eat and i went home.
:X
im not sure if i can go for STJ.
i really am not sure.
and i think i'll cry if i cant go.
we'll see how lor.

hmmm.
i forgot to mention that jason walked my home yesterday.
wahahhaha. it was really nice of him considering my stupid loooong slope.
(all who've walked it before shud know)
haha. but he's a guy so its expected.
ahhaha. den he was telling me how he wished ______ lived in the same direction.
den it'd be the IDEAL situation. ahahha.
ah well. i think he quite poor thing thoh.
but infatuation's shortsighted.
leads to love being blind. (ok lame i know but ITS TRUE!!!!!!)
all the best la.

aniwae. today i sat next to Sharlene during econs.
had a great time talking with her heh.
and ZH was so kancheong behind la!
lol. quite sad actually.
sigh. things like that always makes me kinda sad...

and today i just din feel good.
everything was so... wrong.
i saw LX cry. she felt very horrid today too.
and i told myself im not gonna cry.
its like.
suddenly i feel really really stressed out.
yesterday i was free as a lark.
and today im one of your slaving trained and chained elephants.
cos we're all part of the performing circus arent we?

the only good thing was the CF this morning.
nehz introed me to it, and we read excerpts on Following Christ.
and man, i just realise what a lousy person i am by His standards.
oh Lord, pls help me cos God knows i cant do this alone.

gosh i havent blogged for the longest time.
hurhur.
well. ive been busy with work.
or the failure of doing it. hahaha.
i was cheonging art last nite.
have to cheong art again tml!!! and friday
urghs.
i cant believe it ive got FOUR assignments due dis week.
1 essay, 2 competitions, 1 project. hurhur.
everyone congratulate me!!!
PLUS. i have GP project due, DEBATE (sucky) and wadever else.
im feeling kinda huffy. bleargh.

today at PE ivan showed off his chest! ahha. i mean boobs. lol.
no la, he's de Health and Fitness club pres, damn great bod. the kind superman has ( and im not kidding he's an inverted triangle) hahaha.
den he was showing zuohou how to do pull ups in de way that you train up your bod.
like woah. hahaha
and i din(have the heart to) tell jason that _______ really enjoyed herself at badminton today cos CUTE BOY ( in her opinion) was playing with her.
and uh. shuuy.... jooxiang is good rite?! hahaha. badminton captain last time. haha.
he's very all-rounded lor. hahah. so sad he's leaving, we are now short of 1 talent.
and ADRIAN wans to come in? so i heard. mad la. wadeva for...

ahhaha. and today i found out many pple's eye candies.
as in who they are. hahaha.
but well. *at the risk of sounding like a bimbo...*
bryan fang will always be the best!
after miah of cos. :D:D:D
he has beeeeyooouuuutifooooooollll eyes. :D:D:D